I need help removing her.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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