So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
