he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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