Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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