I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
