3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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