the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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