So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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