i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
