Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
