I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
