i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
