Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
