On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Randomize
