Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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