This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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