Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
