I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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