Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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