He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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