Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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