you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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