Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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