I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
