his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
