Can i not drive my cunt home
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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