I smell stomach acid.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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