so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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