Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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