Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
