for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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