my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
