yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i came on her dog
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
