I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think i have two assholes
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
