I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
