Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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