we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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