I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize