i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
