Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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