I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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