eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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