You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
