i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.