not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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