I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you will always have a special place in my vag
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
