i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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