i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
