After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
