I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
