Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
