I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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