I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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