if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"