youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?