my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.