i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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